Naps are wonderful

I just woke up from a nice 2-hour nap, and it felt great. This whole insomnia thing is killing me, really, so whenever I can sneak in a nap it really helps. Normally I would be doing ORPHANetwork stuff right now but our Executive Director, Tim, is in Nicaragua right now. I am sooooo envious and also a little ticked off that he didn't tell me he was going so I could've given him letters to bring to the kids, but then again, he got all ticked off and inconvenienced last time he went and the kids asked him to bring back letters for me so I'm probably better off waiting till Tyler or Summer or Vinny go and sending the letters with one of them instead. But since Tim isn't here and he didn't leave a list of ORPHANetwork stuff to be done, I am took the rare opportunity to take a nap. It was sheer bliss in the midst of all the stress that is my life.
In other news, I had 2 job interviews yesterday. I am turning both of them down. The first wasn't actually an employment situation, per se, but more of starting up your own insurance Franchise, which sounds cool but there is a huge time and money investment required, neither of which I have enough of. The second was for another insurance company. It sounded okay, the people seemed really nice and the hours were pretty good (although I would have had to give up my cherished 4-day schedule). But the base salary was $10k less than what I am making now. The monthly bonuses may have made it close but those are no guarantee. But the real kicker was that I would not be able to take a vacation for a YEAR. I'd be allowed a couple days off if I was sick or had Dr's appointments, etc, but in terms of having a full week off for a vacation, that wouldn't happen for a year. There is no way I can wait that long to go back to Nicaragua. I have only been back from my most recent trip for 2 months and I am already dying to get back there. I can't even imagine going for a whole year without seeing my kids' sweet faces or hugging them or being hugged by them, hanging out with my best friend and giggling and talking about just everything while we eat cocoonut ice cream, spending time helping the kids with their homework, or playing jacks, or walking with a group of the older girls to the bakery to buy picos for the whole orphanage for dessert ... Nope, definitely can't wait that long. So we'll see. I have another interview next week and there are still other opportunities I can look into. Or maybe I will just stay where I am and things will get better. Ugh!! I just wish I knew what God's plan was in all of this. I keep praying and praying that He would make it clear to me whether I should stay or leave and right now it's SO not clear.

Stuff From My Day

Well, I finally have gotten some of my pictures from my most recent trip to Nicaragua online. You can see them here: Nicaragua September 2005
I still have more that I need to add. I always end up with so many pictures when I am in Nicaragua. Seriously, I will go through 14 disposable cameras minimum plus a ton on my digital camera.
So I have 2 job interviews lined up for tomorrow and another one next Tuesday. Don't know if anything will come of them, but it can't hurt to check it out and see what else is out there. I hope I can sleep enough tonight so that I am not a walking zombie tomorrow. My first interview is at 10, which means I can sleep till 8 or even 8:30, but lately I have been dealing with major insomnia. I know it's stress and I know I really just need to lay this all at the foot of the Cross and leave it in God's hands, but I am not good at doing that. I am OK with laying it down, but I always pick it back up again. I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's a matter of not having enough faith, but I KNOW God is able and I believe His Word where He says He knows the plans He has for us, and that He has numbered all the hairs on our head and we are worth more than sparrows to Him. I believe all of that but I think it's because I am such a control freak that it's hard for me to give over that control, even when I know it's God and it's soooooo much better for Him to be in control than me. I just don't know why I have such a hard time putting that into practice.

I do feel very blessed that I have really wonderful friends and there is such a supportive community at church. Everyone is so great and really concerned about my job situation. I have a bunch of people who are praying for me and they always ask me how it's going when we see each other. I feel bad though, because I feel like all the crap at work has me totally wrapped up in a state of self-pity and I am not doing enough caring about other people. I know there is one friend in particular I feel I have hurt and it tears me up ...

It's been a while

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. I am not sure if anyone even reads this so maybe it doesn't matter that it's been so long. If anyone is actually reading this, I am forewarning you that this will pretty much be a pointless post, mostly self-pitying but hey, at least it's cathartic.
I am so over my job situation. I just don't understand why my boss has to be so hateful and mean to me. This is a good company to work for, but honestly, it's so hard to work in a place where my boss quite obviously doesn't want me there. I met with *her* boss on last week to see about getting transferred to another unit but before she would even consider that, she wants the three of us to have a meeting together to see if we can work this out. That's exactly what I *don't* want. We've been down that road before and it didn't get us anywhere. What's more, although I told her boss that this was a sensitive issue and I wanted to talk with her before she talked with my boss, she went ahead and talked with her first anyway. I am sure she did, because she was sitting at my boss' desk five minutes before I met with her. And the "coaching session" we had just an hour after our meeting was just a little too coincidental. I just feel like there is nobody in a management position there that I can even trust. I know I should just move on and look for another job (which I am sort of doing, half-heartedly-I have like 6 or 7 interview offers too) I am reluctant to, because I love my 4-day schedule, and although I am not making great money, I have been there 5 years so I am not making entr-level income anymore, which is what I am afraid will happen if I do go elsewhere for employment. Hopefully before too long my Arbonne business will be to the pont where that will be replacement income and I can quit and not worry about it but it's not there yet. This stress is really starting to take it's toll on me, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am having panic attacks on almost a daily basis, I haven't slept a full night in several weeks, I am missing a bunch of work because the stress is making me sick. I know I sound very whiny but this really sucks. I know God has a plan and there is a reason this is happening but I wish I knew what it was.
I also got very sad the other day (the 24th, Thanksgiving) because I remembered that is graduation/grade promotion day for the kids at the orphanage and I was sad because I couldn't be there witth them. Isamar was promoted to the 7th grade and I really wanted to be there with her for her day. I don't know when I will be going back. Hopefully in January but I don't know for sure. I just miss the kids so much. And I miss my best friend. I just wish I was in Nicaragua right now because I am so much happier there and everything is so much simpler and less complicated.
I think this enough whining and complaining for one night. Maybe tomorrow I will actually have something deep and insightful to say.